How to argue like a conservative
Conservatives like to think that they are more solidly grounded in reality than their liberal counterparts. And they have good reason to do so - conservative philosophy seldom depends on wholly fictitious definitions of value, a short-term event horizon or every human on the planet inexplicably deciding to play nice for the first time in recorded history.
However, after observing how conservatives argue in the blogosphere, both among themselves and with liberals, I have decided that some of them might find a few suggestions to be helpful in honing their debating skills. I hope they will be received in the humble manner in which they are respectfully offered.
1. Turn the debate toward biblical theology at the first opportunity. It's always tremendously effective to base your entire argument on something the other party believes is the equivalent of the collected wit and wisdom of the Tooth Fairy.
2. When expressing outrage, do so in the apparent belief that your venting is somehow equivalent to actually doing something. The vehemence with which you communicate is vital, because it magically transforms your feelings into an aetheric meme capable of significantly modifying the thought processes of individuals on the other side of the country.
3. Cling to the notion that there is a silent majority out there who believe what you believe, all evidence to the contrary notwithstanding. This eliminates the need to persuade anyone who openly disagrees with you of anything, because they can be safely dismissed as the vocal and visible minority whose eventual comeuppance is inevitable.
4. Place irrevocable trust in everyone who has ever claimed to be conservative or a Christian at any point in their lives. Judge them by their words - or, if necessary, what you believe their words would be - instead of their actions. After all, only liberals, deviants and atheists have ever been known to shade the truth on occasion. That Peter guy who followed Jesus Christ around probably had long hair, belonged to the fisherman's union and would have voted for John Kerry if given half a chance.
5. Assume that history started in 1776 with the signing of the Declaration of Independence. It is also helpful to assume that there is no data produced outside the borders of the United States that could possibly be of any use in considering the wisdom and probable result of policies enacted within said borders.
6. Accept the notion that an accusation of racism, sexism or National Socialism automatically grants the victory to the person with whom you are arguing. It can be especially effective to visibly panic and begin frantically reciting examples of ways in which you have personally refrained from offering open hostility to blacks, women and Jews. An in-depth discussion of your personal preferences is always the final stage prior to winning an argument about politics.
7. Don't bother to read any of the foundational works of the Left. After all, almost no self-professed leftists do, so why should you bother? There's no point in spending any time learning exactly what is contained in the writings of Marx, Lenin, Trotsky, Hitler, Veblen, Gentile and Gramsci, because what are the chances that you're going to recognize any similarities in the sound bites you hear from Clinton, Rodham, Pelosi and company?
8. Always try to debate people who aren't interested in politics. Arguing with someone who doesn't know anything and won't argue back really improves your ability to debate, in much the same way that melted butter sharpens steel.
9. Fall back on arguing what is and is not natural as often as possible, especially if you don't have a degree in biology, have never read Thomas Aquinas and are under the impression that positive law refers to a law that is good.
10. Rest secure in the knowledge that if you ever change your mind about something, God will change His, too.